Ten years ago, I fell in love with the love of my life. We built a beautiful life together for which I am grateful. However, that chapter has come to an end.
We are no longer married, and I am no longer living in France. I find myself wondering if I’d ever be able to live there again. I don’t know if I will be able to walk through the streets without thinking of her and the devastating divorce we went through. I don’t know if I’ll be able to go back to our favorite patisserie without reminiscing about all the beautiful moments we will no longer share together.
My heart is completely shattered and I am unable to find peace with the past or contemplate certainty about the future. All I know is that I still love her and that I miss waking up with her in beautiful Bordeaux. I have left behind everything I loved in France, from people to pastries. My favorite pastry is the paris-brest. It is a decadent cream sandwiched in a perfectly light and delicate pastry. If I was still living in France I would probably be eating one of these per day as comfort.
Unfortunately, staying put didn’t seem like the easiest option. I lost my home in the divorce. Although I could have looked for a new house there, I moved to the U.S. to leave my comfort zone instead of retreating into sorrow. New beginnings are usually pretty exciting, but not after something you cherished and committed to for a decade falls apart. Even though it was my choice to leave France and move here, I feel like I lost my entire life as a result of this divorce. I am rebuilding my life and rediscovering my purpose, all from scratch.
When I told her that I didn’t want either of us to be angry, she apparently took that as a challenge to see who would the winner-takes-all. I hoped, nearly begged, for amicable separation and what I got in return was what felt like vengeance against the fact that we found ourselves in a partnership that was simply not meant to last. I had come to terms with the fact that our incompatibility wasn’t the fault of either one of us, but she seemed to think that the failure of our marriage was my fault. After a seemingly endless amount of back-and-forth, I realized that prolonging the process was only going to hurt me even more. So I let her win. I didn’t want to win any argument, and I didn’t want to keep anything she felt entitled to.
It wasn’t until I moved here that I learned about divorce mediation. If we had chosen that option instead, everything would have been less painful to endure, and we might have avoided the escalating arguments during the proceedings. If I ever get married again, and God forbid, end up in another divorce, I will certainly choose the route of hiring a divorce mediator.
As I’ve been grieving my marriage which has ended, I have come across an established mediator. I am including their information below for anyone who wishes to explore this option. McNamee Mediations would be my first call.
4590 MacArthur Blvd Suite 500, Newport Beach, CA 92660, USA